


Tim Against the World

by lxcatherine



Category: DCU
Genre: Angst, Depression, First Love, M/M, Tim feels like nobody likes him, but Conner does
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-08
Updated: 2018-02-08
Packaged: 2019-03-15 08:17:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13609308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lxcatherine/pseuds/lxcatherine
Summary: I’m on the edge. Every time I break down and try to end it all, something pulls me back. I am continually on the edge. I keep wondering, what if I no longer have something to pull me back? What would happen then? Goliath is pulling me back this time. Every time he speaks to me I wonder what he’ll say next. I’m living from each conversation. I can’t remember what I ate for dinner that night but I can say that Goliath was talking about his favorite band MGMT during math today. I’m scared. I get more and more scared these days.Tim feels hurt by everyone... Except for his Goliath.





	Tim Against the World

It’s 45 minutes after school when the football team takes its ranks on the field. The cross country team had been outside for over 10 minutes before and they started doing laps. I gazed at the team as they walked out, the most important to me of them being Goliath. Goliath wasn’t the most popular or the one most people watched out for but he was a linebacker who was built like a brick. Me, being on the cross country team, had always paid attention to our football team. It was 2 years ago when I was a freshman that I first noticed my Goliath. Goliath wasn’t his real name. No. It was Conner. Conner was the strongest boy our team and I was instantly afraid. I, and most of the track team starting calling him Goliath after we saw him sack the quarterback during practice one day. He was certainly a force to be reckoned with. It is on this day in September, 3 weeks after school has started, that I really start to pay attention to Goliath. I was on my third lap around the track when I look towards the football team just to see Goliath staring back at me. I falter in my steps and I slow down a little. Goliath has taken me by surprise and I’m unprepared. Goliath is known to be insolent, so when I see him looking at me, staring at me, it feels like he’s stalking prey. I look down and try to run a little faster. I try and forget about his blue eyes burning my dark brown ones.

I can’t get his face out of my head that evening. I’m nervous. He’d never looked at me like that before, I was sure. I was then scared out of my mind. Was I his next victim? Goliath was known to pick someone to bully for a while. Usually, people he’s never encountered are the victims but Goliath and I were in the same math class so I was sure he wouldn’t choose me. Not that it would truly matter. Goliath isn’t a real bully. He roughs people up and he roasts them but he never yells or hits anyone and it’s never the same person twice. I thought that he just needed someone to take his anger out on. 

I pictured myself as his victim tomorrow while I walked the treacherous way up the big hill to my house on the outskirts of my city. I lived there with my brothers and my father, my mother having died a little over a year ago. I was in the middle and they were all better than me. I’d dealt with bullying from my family and I was sure I could protect myself from Goliath. The second I reached my Oak door that made our house stand out from all the rest, I was no longer nervous about Goliath. I pulled out my keys and opened up the door before I stepped inside the two-story house. I ran up the stairs to the last door on the right and entered my room. I did not come out until the next day.

On my way back to school the next day, all my worry about Goliath came flooding back to me. Would he really try and bully me? I was hoping to fly under the radar that day and stay as far away from him and his friends all day. That, however, did not happen. I seemed to forget that Goliath sits diagonal of me during precalc and when I entered the classroom seventh period that day, Goliath was standing right in front of my desk. I wished I could hide but it was all assigned seats and there was nowhere to go. Instead, I walked to the third row of desks and walked up the aisle to the fifth desk back and sat. Goliath stared right at me. I felt his eyes on my face. I wanted to tell him to stop looking at me but I couldn’t bring myself to look. I just stared straight ahead. He kept looking at me. 

“Tim?” he says. 

I move my head and I stare right at him. I’m acknowledging him. I think I’m about to get hurt. I’m looking into his blue eyes and his dark brown hair. I’m  looking at how his cheeks frame his face and how his nose is incredibly pinched. I’m admiring how beautiful he is. I wished I spent more time looking at him in this moment. My eyes drop down to his perfectly plump mouth. He opens it as he gets ready to continue to speak…

He’s not going to bully me.

  
  


It’s a week after Goliath first talks to me that I notice something. Goliath looks at me a lot. I first notice it during lunch. Goliath and I both have a first lunch period and while I sit in the corner near the trash cans, with my Cross Country friends, he sits in the middle with all the other football players. I looked up from my pita and hummus I packed for lunch and saw blue eyes. It was Goliath. Then again during math. He started talking to me every day right before the bell rang for class to begin. He stares a lot during practice. I don’t think there is a time when I look up that he isn’t looking back. But what is he looking for? I wonder if he always looked at me or if it just started. I wonder that as the Cross Country team makes their way into the locker rooms. I wonder that as I change my clothes. I wonder that as the football team enters the locker room. I wonder that as I walk past him on my way out. I wonder that while our caretaker serves my family chili for dinner. I wonder that as I cry in my room. I wonder a lot of things about Goliath that night. I used to think things like If I was to laugh in my room, would I make a sound. If I was to die right now, would I make a noise? Would anyone even notice? Should I try? I think Goliath would notice. It’s that soothing thought that puts me to sleep.

I wake up to one of my brothers pounding on my door. I look at my clock. It’s 6:30. I usually don’t get up until 7 because one of my brothers are in high school with me and I catch a ride with him in the morning. I jerk awake anyway. I yell “What do you want!” My 20 year-old brother who goes to a nearby college yells back “Get ready for school, Jason needs to get there early for Peer tutoring!” I’d forgotten about that. I get out of bed, turn off my alarm for 7 and pull on some jeans I found on my carpet. I then pull on a random t-shirt and grab my backpack from where I dropped it when I got home and ran out of my room then bounded down the stairs. I jump into the car with my brothers and we make the ten-minute drive down to our school. 

Once I get out of the car, I put my backpack in my locker before grabbing my stuff for first period before going to the windows by the entrance and sitting, waiting for the early bell before I make the walk upstairs to my first class. Students filter in but it’s around 7 at that moment and school doesn’t start until 7:40. I’m mostly alone. At least I think I am until I feel someone sit next to me. I open an eye and see that it’s the Goliath. He’s smiling at me. It’s too early for him to be smiling but his eyes crinkle up in a way that I can’t help but smile back. “Why are you here so early?” he says. “My brother needed help with AP Calc,” I say. Goliath smiles at me again. We sit there in silence for a while, our shoulders and legs continuously touching. It’s nice just sitting here with him. Around 7:10, his hand makes its way over to my knee and he just holds it there. It feels very nice. The early bell rings ten minutes later and we go our separate ways to first period.

I’m in my room on a Friday night when I get invited to a party a couple houses down by my cross country friends. I go downstairs and see if any of my siblings are going and am left unsurprised when one of my brothers, Jason, says he’s going as well. We decide to walk over to the house together and then leave each other to hang out with our own friends. My friends are sitting together and there doesn’t seem to be any room for me to sit with them. Nevertheless, my friends all wave at me and usher me over. I stand in front of them, as there is nowhere else for me to stand, and they continue their conversation. A few times I try to join in and my friends shoot me down with a quick “Shut up Tim.” I assume they mean it as a joke but with each “Shut up Tim” my morale gets lower and lower until I’m on the verge of tears. Why did I come? I think I'm sadder than I would be at home. At least I'm sad by myself there instead of sad with everyone else. Its like they went out of their way to be shitty to me. I'm trying not to cry in front of them. In front of everyone. But it feels worse like this. Being on the outskirts. At least I was an outsider looking in from home but while I'm with them I'm apart of the group except not. I feel like a particle in the middle of a black hole, about to be swallowed up. I'm crying right now. In front of them. I'm trying to stop myself. To look fine so they won't notice but I'm so sad right now. And then I lied. They saw my tears so I said my hand hurt. But it's my head. And my heart. I say I need some fresh air and I walk outside. Nobody follows me to see if I’m okay.

I sit on the concrete outside the house. It is extremely cold and I don’t have a jacket so I just suffer. Sometimes I feel like I need to suffer. I’m alone enough that I can cry. Until I’m not. He sits down next to me on the concrete. Goliath. He looks at me and he smiles before he notices I’m crying. I’m trying to make myself stop. I can’t stop. He looks hurt, like he thinks he did this to me. He looks like he’s going to try and leave but I don’t want to be alone. I don’t know what to do to make him say so I just reach my hand out and thread it through his. I lean my head on his shoulder and let my tears fall. We sit there for a long time. He doesn’t get up to leave, he doesn’t tell me to stop. He lets me be.  

I ask him to walk me home later and once we get back to my house, I ask him to stay with me. I’m surprised each time he says yes. I’m happy each time he says yes. I think I feel him kiss my forehead before I fall asleep. He’s gone before I wake up and nobody in my family seems to even notice he was there, I start to think I dreamt him except that he left a note saying that he needed to get home before his father noticed he was gone.  I don’t ask him about it on Monday. I do stare at him all throughout practice.

 

I’m in my room on the Thursday before homecoming. I’m alone. I’m normally alone. I’m watching  The Graduate for the fourth time this month and I think I’m crying. I’m on the edge. Every time I break down and try to end it all, something pulls me back. I am continually on the edge. I keep wondering, what if I no longer have something to pull me back? What would happen then? Goliath is pulling me back this time. Every time he speaks to me I wonder what he’ll say next. I’m living from each conversation. I can’t remember what I ate for dinner that night but I can say that Goliath was talking about his favorite band MGMT during math today. I’m scared. I get more and more scared these days. 

 

“Can I have your number?” he says next. It catches me by surprise that I think I went blank for a minute so that he had to repeat his question. I nod before I go blank again. “Good,” he says, “I wanted to send you some songs to listen to.” I nod again. That’s a valid reason to give him my number. I write it down on my math homework and rip off the corner before giving it to him. He smiles at me. A genuine smile. I no longer think it’s his conversations getting me through the day. It’s his smiles. 

It’s seven P.M. and the Homecoming football game has already begun. I’m standing five rows back in the student section next to my best friend Stephanie. Stephanie is the all American girl. She has light blonde hair and wiley green eyes. She’s one of the fastest girls on the team. On my other side is my older brother Jason who was nominated for homecoming court. Jason looks just like me despite the fact that we are not related by blood. Same blue eyes, same big cheeks. We even have the same nose and haircut (our hair is always messy and only cut twice a year). Our team is already up by three and were expected to win because the last three years the team has been undefeated. I don’t know the rules of the game. I’m just watching Goliath. Stephanie and I are mostly joking back and forth about how the senior girl who is drunk right now at the game, Kori, is probably going to get arrested if she doesn’t stop going crazy. We are joking and laughing when Jason reminds me that he has to start walking down to the field so he can get ready for court. Stephanie and I wave goodbye and we watch him leave as halftime approaches. 

It’s ten minutes later when halftime approaches. They announce the homecoming court of each grade, Jason being with the twelfth grade and Bart, fellow Cross Country runner, being in my grade in the Junior class. The homecoming Committee announces that the Junior class wins Homecoming court and Stephanie and I clap for our friends. Everyone gathers off-field and my brother walks back up the stands to stand with us again, uncaring that he just lost, while the marching band starts playing a prepared piece. It’s times like these when I am extraordinarily happy. Nothing can pull me down. I am nowhere near that cliff in this moment. The game ends with a win and I stay long enough afterward to see Goliath pull off his helmet, revealing his wet brown hair, and scan the student section. I hope that he’s looking for me.

My brother drives us back to our house and Stephanie spends the night in our guest bedroom but before we sleep, a couple of our friends come over and berate me about being myself before laughing it off as a joke. I truly do have fun with them but when they leave and when Stephanie goes to the guest bedroom, I digest what they have said to me. They are shitty people that make me want to kill myself but I keep going back because when I’m with them, I’m happy but when they’re gone, I’m sucked into a black hole of misery and despair. 

 

Goliath texts me that night ‘Are you going to homecoming?’ he asks. I smile at my phone and type back a ‘yes’ before I fall into a deep sleep.

 

It’s the Saturday of homecoming. I was going to my friend Victor’s house with Stephanie for the dance. I was still reeling from my text from Goliath. Until that moment, I thought him talking to me was a fluke. I thought he would see how much of a loser I was and let go of me. He wasn’t letting go. The more he talked to me, the more I felt that I was falling in lust with that boy. He was so beautiful. I liked to imagine what it would be like to be held in his arms again. I remember how nice they felt the first time. I couldn’t get him out of my head. 

 

After we get to Victor’s, we eat dinner, pasta specifically, then all three of us got in his car so he could drive us to the high school for the dance. Once we are out, we clamber for the door and walk inside. Victor and I are both wearing white button-ups and slacks except I have on a black tie to match Stephanie’s skin-tight black dress while he has a blue tie. We follow the pop music to the gym, decorated in our blue and white school colors, and look around before spotting some more of our friends to make our way over to. I sit more towards the outside of the table we’re at while Victor and Stephanie make their presence known. I feel like I’m unnoticed to my friends and I’ve been crying all weekend that I feel more tears welling up. I don’t know what to do anymore. My eyes are cloudy and I feel each tear running down my cheeks. I don’t know if I should stay or leave. I’m scared. I’m on edge. I think I’ve already fallen but I’ve been too scared to say it out loud. So I look for Goliath. For some reason every time I’ve seen him, he’s made the darkness fade away from me. I spot him by the stage with Cassie Sandsmark. Cassie was on the winning homecoming court and she was wearing a satin purple dress that matched her date, Bart’s tie. As I look at Goliath I can tell he feels someone's eyes on me. He looks around and when he sees me, I see his face go from stoic to light. He moves his head in a way as if he’s asking me to walk with him. I do, not wanting to miss a chance of being alone with him again. None of my friends seem to notice me leave.

I meet him outside the doors to the gym and he turns to walk to the steps to the upstairs classrooms and lockers and sits down. I join him. He looks up at me and I feel like I’m the only person in the world. “Hi,” he says. I smile and say hi back. He looks really nervous at this moment that I can’t help but put a hand on his shoulder. He looks down at my hand on his shoulder than back at me. I want to say something like “You make me so much happier than I ever have been since I can remember” but I’ve never been good at sharing my feelings. He talks for me. “I took a chance,” He starts. I look straight into his blue eyes. I want him to hold me. “When we were freshmen, you were in my biology class. We were the only freshmen so Mr. Gordon paired us together. You were so nervous. I’ve liked you since then.” He says. I don’t know if I believe him but I do remember sitting next to him in biology and messing around with our lab stations when we're supposed to be sitting still. I remember when he touched my hand when I was called on in class because I had huge anxiety issues. I was switched out of that class second semester because one of my electives interfered with that class. We didn’t talk for two years after that. Had he really liked me all this time? Even while I was afraid of him? He leans in and he kisses me, all doubt of that story being true washing straight out of me. He claims that he loves me in that kiss. But I’m worried that he’ll stop. I think, like everyone else in my life, that he is brash and quick to change. This love might just be for a fleeting moment. So I take it, I lean into him, I let it happen so that when he decides to take a step back, I’ll know that he left a part of him with me. I won’t be able to step off that ledge with him in me.

 

“Conner.”

 

We talked a lot after that kiss on the steps. Every time I thought I was losing my hold on him, I would pull him down for a kiss. He was much taller than me, even while sitting. I ask him to recount the past two years through his eyes and he tells it like this:

 

He moved to our school district right before freshman year after his father got a job nearby. He talked about how the weeks before school, he tried out for the football team and had already met lots of people from the school through there. He talks about the first day and how when we were paired together, he felt even more nervous. He claimed that he liked me from the moment he saw me. I couldn’t stop smiling while he talked about me. He continues with our adventures in first-period biology and into the first day of second semester when I didn’t come to class. He says he thought I was sick but then I just kept not coming and when he found out I was switched he felt betrayed. And then he said he felt angry at himself for feeling betrayed. He said that he started lashing out at people as a way for him to forget about me but when I acknowledge him for the first time in years, he couldn’t give me up again. He tells me about how he wanted to kiss me at the party. He tells me how he wanted to hold my hand every day. He makes me feel safe. He makes me forget about my friends. 

I ask my Goliath if he wants to walk home with me and he says yes. I tell him about how I call him Goliath in my head. He says he likes it. I call him Goliath in front of him now. I try to tell him about everything I’ve been feeling but at the moment I think my Goliath just laying next to me in bed is more than enough for right now.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for finishing this. This is the longest fic I've ever written and It truly means a lot to me. A lot of the long parts that Tim talks about when he's extremely sad are parts of poems I've written when I've felt the same way. I'm happy I got the chance to share this with all of you!


End file.
